is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
