The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
