a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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