my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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