My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
