Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
