If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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