Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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