Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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