the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
