I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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