Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
