Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
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