EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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