i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You ate ashes out of my bong
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
