HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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