you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
