I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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