I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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