Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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