I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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