There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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