I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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