Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
where are my eyebrows?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize