i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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