So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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