got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
