If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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