I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
