Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Randomize
