Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
