420 ftw
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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