Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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