I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
