Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
