I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
