I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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