k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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