If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
