i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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