Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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