And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
