Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
