I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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