Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
