he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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