Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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