i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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