get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
