Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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