Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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