saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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