Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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