Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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