he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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