i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
