I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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