I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
