Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
